Bad Job
by Talon of soaring Eagle
Summary: "If you're trying to be my dad you're doing a shit job of it," Ed finished before turning and walking out of the door


**A/n: **Heyy :D came up with this idea and found it too cute to leave undone. Without further ado I present to you an Ed that actually does hidden meanings?! *gasp*

**Warnings: **Uh swearing and slightly loopy Ed

**Disclaimer: **I is not own Fullmetal Alchemist :DD

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Bad job

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"There's been a group of bandits in the east taking out the supply stores, mostly food and weapons..."

Ed yawned halfway through the mission briefing, rubbing at an itch on his side. Blah blah blah I'm sending you to the east to beat up bandits Fullmetal blah blah blah the weather is shit and you should bring an umbrella blah blah take a bag of sun lotion- "...ullmetal? Hey Fullmetal."

"What? More lotion?" It took a moment to realize that he said the second one out loud and he scowled, well scowled over his previous scowl. Right now he was siting in a chair, bouncing a knee while the colonel stared at him for a bit, giving him a very strange look.

"No..." He dragged the vowel out for a full two seconds and Ed had to catch himself from answering with an "I'm not crazy!" because that was just like pouring gasoline over a fire. Couldn't wait to see how well _that'll_ turn out. "Anyway you don't need to do anything drastic, just hand them over to the local authorities, they can handle the rest." As if, the last time he handed a thief in to the police she managed to slip right back out of their clutches, some capable escorts they were.

Ed glared hard at Mustang's slightly amused face, did he miss a short joke? Was that what it was all about? He decided that yes, he did in fact miss a jibe at his (perfectly average) height when a smirk found its way onto the colonel's face. "Why Fullmetal I never noticed that your attention span could be so _short_." He could almost hear the bastard saying in fact, he could only tell that Mustang didn't actually say anything because he almost added the silent "like the rest of you" behind that he knew would never be said out loud. The waves of jackassery radiating from the colonel must have been screwing with his mind. That sounded reasonable.

Just for good measure he snapped something unflattering and folded his arms, sagging back in his chair. The colonel grinned,"What's with that look? Think you can't handle this?"

"It's a complete and utter waste of my time!" Ed hissed, glaring like he was about to shoot someone, with a chainsaw, he'll manage it somehow and it would be painful. Mustang clicked his tongue chidingly.

"Duty calls, Fullmetal."

The boy slumped and sighed,"Fine fine but just so you know, this is stupid and you're a bastard."

His bastardly commander smirked, "Would you like to leave a memo too?" When Ed marched out of the office seething no one bothered to question him.

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Walking down the streets in a tattered black shirt and brown trousers was pretty relaxing actually. He had dyed his shocking golden mob of hair brown and rubbed dirt all over his face and body, dulling any glint of metal that happened to show. He smiled brightly at a huddle of women, grin loosing a bit of enthusiasm when they whispered and hurried away. Turning back to his path he frowned, those damn bandits really were feared around these parts. A little boy broke from the group, running towards him with a worried look in his eyes.

"You shouldn't be out here, there's bad people," he looked up at Ed, ignoring his mother's frantic footsteps. His cocky grin returned and Ed bent down to address the child.

"Don't worry, I can handle the bad guys," he let the woman pull her son back into the protective group, chiding him gently for running to a stranger while the boy himself stared back at Ed, the worry never leaving his soft brown eyes. Ed only waved then continued down the path, certain that he was on the right track.

He looked around the suddenly deserted streets before pulling out his bag of gold coins and resuming his happy humming. He looked like a son returning with his pay after a hard day of labour to feed his family. The only thing that wasn't disguised was his golden eyes, nothing much to do about that. He broke into an easy saunter and whistle, tossing the bag of coins with a clink and trying to seem oblivious to the shadows darting between empty carts and buildings. Jackpot.

When the first man showed up, looking friendly and trustworthy he almost scoffed, easy game. He looked like easy game. A boy walking down the street alone and weaponless. What a piece of cake! Ed instantly stilled, stuffing his 'catch' into a pocket and gripping the handle of a rusty dagger he had transmuted earlier, eyes widening in fear. "Who are you?" He asked, voice strained, like he was just realizing how much of a horrible idea this was.

A grin split the man's face and he pulled out his own knife,"A bandit, now hand over the coins!" He punctuated that sentence with a spring forward. Ed squeak and danced around him, noting the other men stepping out from their cover. ... Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen. Good, he was worried that he was getting a little out of shape. He brandished the dagger, a hand placed securely over his pouch of coins and stepping back slowly.

"S-stay back!" He whimpered, god he sounded like he was about to piss his pants. He skittered around another bandit, this one with a gun holstered and blade wielded, before turning and hotfooting it.

"Come back little boy, you can't hide from us!" Ed hid a smirk behind a fearful cry, bolting into an alleyway which just so happened to be a dead end. No escape from here on out.

Perfect.

His pursuers cackled gleefully as they cornered him, blocking the exit and brandishing their knives,"No escape now runt, now hand over that cash-"

With another cry, this time one of rage and the intent to harm came from Ed as he clapped, a devilishly sharp blade slicing through the dirty gray glove and glinting in the moonlight,"Surprise suckers!" That was all the warning they got before he swung, taking out two of the frontal bandits' knives, blades clattering harmlessly to the ground as they were left with useless hilts, two down thirteen to go. Taking advantage of their shock, the boy jumped up, smashing his knee into the leader's jaw with a devastating crack. Yeah automail could do that to a man. As the burly figure slumped to the ground, Ed turned towards the rest of them, grinning like the hell raiser he was. "I'll give you the cash, in your dreams!"

With another startlingly bright flash of electricity, three more bandits were restrained against the walls, stone shackles pinning them securely with no way to reach their weapons. The alchemist snickered at their panicked yells.

"It's a trap!"

"Call for backup!"

"Who the hell are you?!"

Oh this was fun! Ed smiled sweetly as he threw a bone jarring uppercut to the next man in his way,"I'm Ed." Another flash, another four idiots stuck to the walls like houseflies on flypaper, completely and utterly screwed. Looks like they knew it too. The rest of them had cuffs around their feet or ankles, looks like the tables had turned huh? Not like it was ever in their favor.

"The Fullmetal Alchemist," he concluded, a smirk making its way across his lips,"Now drop the damn weapons before I do it for you." Several clanks sounded as the blades and guns clattered to the ground and Ed crossed his arms, satisfied. Wait guns?

He whipped around just in time to see the downed leader painfully grinning, the barrel of a gun pointed straight at his chest. Oh yeah guns. Well _fuck_-

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Thank god the locals had the mind to call the police when they saw a line way traipsing down the street like he owned the place, frankly he looked like he was _asking_ to get mugged. Thank double god that he managed to barrel right in time for the bullet to lodge itself in his shoulder! At least it gave him enough time to kick the gun away and kick the fucker in the face. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" He giggled loopily when the nurses had finally managed to sedate him,"I-I mean, I have a metal shoulder an a flesh one and I go ahead and decide to get shot in my left shoulder!" He broke off to give a few wheezing coughs. He turned to the worried looking nurse and grinned tiredly,"Al's gonna skin me and then use me as a doormat..." He blinked heavily, watching the smiling attendant that was waiting for him to get knocked out,"... And-and tell that pyromaniac... that I think he's a bastard would you? ... What a basta..."

The nurses sigh of "oh thank god" was lost as Ed snuggled into the folds of unconsciousness.

"..."

"... _idiotic brother_?"

"... _Not thinking... Up shrimp_."

Ed stirred in his sleep and scowled, he was sure that was the bastard's voice. Something prodded his cheek and he growled sluggishly, turning away. For the first time he could feel a dull throbbing in both of his shoulders, not just the knowledge that his whole shoulder was caked in blood.

"... _Midget_."

"Runt."

"Speck-"

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THY HE CAN POLE VAULT WITH A FUCKING TOOTHPICK?!" At least that was what he was going for. All Ed managed was a croaky squeak as he batted at the hand prodding him. He pried open his eyes to glare at the smirking bastardly face above him and bared his teeth in a snarl. What a fucking jerk.

".., Al?" He rasped, sitting up and wincing. Bandages were wrapped around his left shoulder, reminding him of the ones that used to wrap around his right shoulder. Scary stuff.

A glass of water was being held out to him and he took it gratefully as a familiar voice sounded,"I'm right here brother." He snickered at Al's "I'm so done with you" tone and his brother huffed,"it's not funny!"

"Damn right," uh oh the colonel sounded miffed,"What were you thinking Fullmetal? For once you actually get hit and it's a bullet!" Oh god he could feel the lecture coming on,"Why did you go off bandit hunting on your own? Do you not realize the importance of teamwork? You should have been co operating with the police to ambush them not jump out yourself. You're lucky to be alive Fullmetal!" But instead Mustang was looking at him strangely.

"What!" He snapped, hiding his blush under a scowl, was he missing something again?

Mustang just shook his head,"I'm just glad you're alright..." For a moment Ed just looked at him, saw the actual concern in his usually cold onyx eyes and he bristled. Ed swung his legs out of bed, stumbling upright as both other occupants in the room cried out.

"I'm gonna take a piss," Ed growled, tottering towards the door as the colonel stood up. He turned his gaze onto Mustang, making sure that they had eye contact before continuing,"And if you're trying to be _my_ dad Bastard, you're doing an absolute shit job of it." Satisfied, he stalked outside, ready to break out of here.

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Roy stared after the scraggy golden ponytail, feeling like he just got slapped. That wasn't right, he felt like someone had just taken a red hot poker and then rammed it into his stomach. Did Ed really hate him that much? Shoulders drooping, he slumped into the standard stiff plastic seat, he didn't have a son, probably wouldn't for a long time, but it was almost nice to imagine that...

He forgot that Alphonse was still in the room with him. Damn. "Mr Colonel Sir," he asked timidly and Roy just smiled and nodded for him to go on,"I don't think Brother hates you sir."

Roy almost laughed at the claim, "Alphonse, your brother has hated me for years and I don't plan on changing that, it's better for both of us that way." He rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"I know he has said that he does but, um how do I explain this..." The armor shifted nervously,"Well you see, Brother only says he hates you because our dad wasn't there to tell that to. The only feeling Brother has ever really felt for him is contempt and I don't think he knows any different."

Roy looked at Al, feeling slightly confused,"But he just said-"

"Brother said "my dad" but he meant "_our _dad". He said it because he knows that you won't leave us."

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**A/n: **Awww who knew that Ed could be so sweet? Review? :3 I promise I won't run this *holding a rusty nail* over that *points to a chalkboard*. Flames will be treated as such, constructive criticism will be treated as such and praise will be kept in a bottle and put in that special place in my heart *your review*3

**Talon out~!**


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